You’ve heard it before from your partner: “Stop being so controlling!” and you’re automatic response is to either argue that you aren’t being controlling and that you’re “trust trying to help”.  If this is a common tiff between you and your partner, it might be time for some self-reflection because perhaps you are being too controlling!  And, nobody wants to be a super controlling partner (unless that’s what you’re into, of course).  It’s probably time you start following these 8 ways to help make yourself less controlling.

Turn Orders into Suggestions

Instead of saying, “we’re doing this instead”, adding a simple “what do you think of doing this instead”, takes the whole bossy and controlling attitude down several levels.  Whether your controlling attitude comes from wanting things your way or wanting your partner to do/be better, there’s a fine line between being helpful and ordering your partner around. Try to offer advice and make suggestions your reasoning.  They may even decide to go along with you based just off that!

Be Polite

Demanding something from your partner (or anyone for that matter) when it isn’t warranted, is simply not nice and makes it seem like you don’t have any respect for them.  Simply inserting a “please” and “thank you” and even an “I love you” when you ask for something changes your whole tone.  And don’t forget to return favors!

Give (and Take) Some Space

When you’re in a relationship, it’s a team and decisions should be made together.  Which is why it is important to spend some time alone so you can focus on yourself, and the same for your partner. Rather than obsessing over your partner’s every move, let them be, says relationship writer, Kaetlyn Summers.  “When it gets hard to give them space, which they rightly deserve, try to picture yourself in their shoes and understand that their solitude means as much to them as yours does to you.”  Having your own life outside of your relationship is vital for keeping things from getting too controlling.

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Practice Assertiveness

It can be a difficult skill to learn, but it will serve you well in not only being a less controlling partner, but in getting what you need says sex therapist, Mary Fisher. “Assertiveness is not aggression. It is an affirmation of your right to have a point of view, without aggressively discounting your partner’s point of view. Instead of snapping, “No way are you meeting your ex for lunch!” you could say, “I feel anxious right now with you meeting your ex for lunch and would like to know what you get out of meeting for lunch; I would like to get feeling safe before you agree to meet her.”

Don’t Succumb to Insecurities

Each time your partner gets a text, do you instantly assume it’s from another lover and then proceed to snoop through their phone?  Going through your partner’s phone and private things, and even monitoring every “like” on Instagram is still considered controlling.  It’s not fair to your partner and a really unhealthy relationship habit, explains Summers.  “That sort of paranoia needs to be controlled by simply trusting your gut. Deep down you know they’re not a cheater, so listen to that gut feeling instead of acting on paranoid feelings.”

Address Your Stress

Control tends to spike when people are under stress, explains couples therapist, Jenn Kennedy.  “They feel out of control in other areas, so they micromanage their partner to try and regain equilibrium…Stay in your own lane and make peace with your own sense of powerlessness,” she adds.  Whether it’s through yoga and meditation or just taking walks, find ways to calm down and self-regulate. When we feel good and grounded within ourselves, we won’t find that need to control anything else.

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Accept Your Partner as They Are

Your partner isn’t you! Trying to force someone to do and act as you wish isn’t right and won’t lead to a healthy relationship.  Everyone has their quirks and their flaws and you need to respect that, explains couples therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, Anita Chlipala.  “If you don’t, you’ll send the message that they aren’t good enough and that you don’t respect them.  Think of their values and even though they may be different, they are just as important as yours. If there is something that your partner is or isn’t doing and it really does bother you, than you need to talk about it and perhaps try to compromise.

Be Open to Change

Sometimes the urge to control your partner and the relationship, stems from a fear of the unknown; that things might not happen if they don’t go your own way, explains Summers.  “To eliminate that fear, you try to control your partner.  But there’s an alternate way. Think of how the change would be good for you, how it could bring some positive effects in your relationship.”  Letting go of your fear of the unknown is easier said than done, so make sure you communicate this to your partner or even a therapist.